* Running *

I have been running from my problems because that seemed easier than facing the world.

Someone told me to be brave.

People will always talk and they judge.

Those who judge are not your friends because friends don't judge.

And if they're not even your friends in the first place, why bother what they feel or think?

I took that advice and decided to hide no more.

I have been depending on you.

Although I know I should have stayed away but it was easier to have you by my side.

Then I realised that if I continued depending on you, I will never get better.

The problem will linger around with my ignorance of reality.

That's when I decided it has to stop.

I have been disappointing, not only the people who loves me and cares for me but myself as well.

I will admit I am so very disappointed in who I have become.

Never have I thought that I could become what I have become.

I believe this is the lowest I can go and I can only get better from here.

It will not be easy but nobody said life was easy.

Nothing ever is.

All I know is that I don't want to be a disappointment anymore.

A promise I make to myself and the people around me.

I will be better and before you know it, I will be back to the good old Gem.

The Gem who can genuinely smile again because she's truly happy.

Soon...

* Timeline *

I just switched my Facebook from the conventional settings to Timeline.

Something moved me to go back to the time I met you.

There have been comments saying that I am too transparent with my emotions.

I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

But right now, I am glad I am the way I am.

Moving forward, I believe I will still be the expressive Gem I am.

Without my constant need to upload pictures and update statuses...

I would not have the opportunity now to realise how happy you used to make me.

And how things slowly became what it is today.

I'll admit there was a slight pang of remorse as I went through my timeline.

Reminding me of the questions I raised when I shouldn't have.

The answers I knew but never really wanted to hear from you.

But I believe things happen for a reason.

The reason was for you to be happy.

And now that I know you are right now... 

That's all that matters! :)

It is one of those nights where you really want to have a drink and everyone just seems to be busy for the night.

Well, not just everyone but the people that matters.

The frustration was just overwhelming.

I was taken aback when I started crying out of frustration.

I'm not quite sure if I'm actually crying due to that or the fact that my little bubble of protection is about to burst.

And while I was being protected by the bubble, I haven't really thought about what I should do about what I was being protected from.

Despite all, I still worry but at least I get my sleep with some help.

Someone told me I was feeling the way I do it's because of my sudden lost of support.

I am trying to be my own support.

My own pillar of strength.

So that I don't have to depend on anyone to be ok.

That no matter what happens, I am my own strength.

But I can't seem to find it in me.

Not now.

I just feel as though I'm sinking deeper and deeper, it just gets harder to breathe.

And I'm tired of struggling.

So, so tired.

I don't really know what to do.

Especially, right now.

When I'm all alone in my room and the silence is deafening.

I can hear my thoughts out loud.

My heartbeat pounding against my ears.

My sighs bouncing off the walls.

I'm tired.

When you start googling sympthoms of something you ordinarily don't, that's when you know you have a problem and need help.

* My 30 Before 30 Bucket List *

So, I started creating a 30 before 30 bucket list a month ago but never gotten to complete it.

A friend pushed me to complete it today.

Although some of the stuff are pretty random and fairly achievable.

This is my list.

Of course, it will be personalized to suit me.

But these are actually some stuff which I intended to do aeons ago but never gotten to do it.

I am a master procrastinator.

You'll be surprised how simple some of it are and yet I haven't done it despite all the naggings I get from friends.

So there you have it.

Let's see how well I'll do with this list! :)